They had taken my brother to see a psychologist at the time. And then all of the memories of what happened started flooding back to me. I remembered telling my mom, and I remembered her holding me and hugging me and crying. I remembered that she told me that everything would be ok and sent me upstairs, and that my brother shouldn't have done that. Then I remembered coming down the stairs and listening in the hallway. My parents asked my brother about what was going on, and I remember my FATHER telling my BROTHER, "Now come on, Mike, you know better than that." And I remember feeling so bad that I had told, but I was relieved, because my mom had had really saved me. Well, my mom said that the psychologist at the time said that they could bring me in if I showed any signs that anything was wrong (they probably should have had me see someone, but times were different, and people really didn't know what they were doing). So, the memory was so painful for me that I blocked it out for 6 years. Well, after all of this remembering, my mom asked me if I wanted to go see someone about it, and I said that no I didn't need to because at least they had put a stop to it, and I was just thankful, and that was that. Of course, I idolized my parents for saving me from this horrible thing, and I felt that they really were perfect, and I didn't want my twin brother or my older sister to find out what had happened because they would be hurt (I was the classic caretaker) and so on and so on. And I did show all the signs of classic sexual abuse (I was a perfectionist, good to the core, had low self-esteem, thought I was the ugliest and fattest girl in the world-even though I was quite pretty). But in my mind, I thought that my parents had saved me, and I was ok, and that I suffered through this horrible thing, and my family would be ok. My brother and I never really had a relationship, but that was ok. In my mind, I loved him anyway, and just thought that our family was perfect, and my parents had dealt perfectly with everything.

Now comes the even more amazing part. My older sister (my abuser's twin) had always been kind of quiet and timid and kind of, well, nerdy. She didn't have very many friends, and she was just really smart and quiet and reserved and stuff. But she was soooo nice, and I loved her very much. She was 6 years older than me, and we shared a room, and we would sing together at night before we went to bed, and all kinds of stuff. And we never ever fought. Like maybe 3 times in my life had we fought. As I said, my brothers and I kind of knew that Beth was just not an outgoing, popular type person, and that was fine. Well, when I was 18 (4 years after I had remembered my abuse), my parents and my sister had been talking a lot (lots of loud discussions behind closed doors, and we would hear them crying and stuff when they would talk). My brothers and I knew that Beth had been going to see a psychologist for a few years, but we didn't really know why, and we all knew that she was just kind of different and she was just kind of working things out. So, when I was 18, my mom and dad tell us that Beth wants to meet with the whole family with therapists about something. Also, by this time my older brother (my abuser) had gotten married and been married for 6 months. So we all agreed (my two brothers and my sister-in-law and I), and that was fine. The night before we went to the therapist's office, I was up late and talked to my mom, and I told her that if we were going to find out anything really bad about them (my parents), that I didn't know if I could take it because of how perfect I thought they were. And my mom just hugged me and cried and told me that everything would be ok and to just wait until tomorrow. Well, we all show up at the therapist's office, and there were three therapists there. They explained that one was my mom's, one was my dad's, and one was my sister's. That was kind of surprising, but I still had no idea what to expect. Then we began our session, and my sister said, "Well, the reason I called you all here is because from the time that I was 8 until the time that I was 12, DAD sexually abused me." My father sat there, shaking and red as can be, and my mom was crying, and my brothers and my sister-in-law and I just sat there kind of in shock. I don't really remember much of that night, but let's just say that my whole world came crashing down. Here, a man that I looked up to, the man that I thought 'saved' me, had done the same horrible thing to my sister. And then I was angry because I never told anyone what happened to me, so why did my sister tell? I just hated the whole world that day, and for about the next 4 years. I was just so angry that I had kept my secret, and not told my siblings about their horrible brother, but here my sister could come in and ruin the 'perfect' image I had of my father. Well, of course, that wasn't her fault. I ended up telling my twin brother and my sister what our brother had done to me that same night. And then there was a lot of silence and bitterness for 4 years. We all had to still live in the same house, my twin brother and I had started college, and it was horrible, really. I had started to see a therapist immediately following my sister's disclosure, and my parents paid for the whole thing. We found out that they had all been going to counseling for about 4 years. My sister's therapist told my mom what had happened (my mom really didn't know as we found out in later therapy sessions), and my mom immediately went into therapy and made my dad go. My twin brother has never been to therapy, and I wonder about how he is really doing. My mom I think still wants to keep the family together. My mom and dad constantly bicker, and you can tell that my mom has been very betrayed by my father. I asked my mom why she didn't get a divorce, and she felt at the time that it would be too hard on all of us after learning about the abuse to go right into a divorce. But she said that she just thinks that my dad was very sick, and that is how she deals with it. But she no longer loves him like a husband. And it will take the rest of her life to forgive him. I had therapy sessions with both parents, and told my dad that there would be consequences to what happened, and that if I ever had kids he would never be allowed to be alone with them, and he understood and accepted that. My father is a very confused, mixed-up, immature, insecure and weak man. I have had several talks with him about why he did what he did to my sister, and even asked him what he did, and he told me. He stopped one day when she said, "I'm starting to get hair down there." There was never any penis-vagina intercourse, but he said there was fondling, and I really couldn't hear anymore after that. And I have thought about why someone would do these things to a child. In my opinion, child sexual abuse is one of the worst and evil things anyone can do. It's like one level above murder. The only thing that doesn't happen is that the child doesn't die. But almost all of the life is stolen away, and it's awful. And I told my dad that he must have been a totally pathetic person when he did that to my sister. He did say that he was suicidal, and that when my sister said that about her hair growing in, something just clicked in his mind and made him stop. Of course the secret remained for years until my sister had courage enough to say something about it. I don't know why he never did anything to me, and thank God he never did. But then, of course, my older brother did stuff to me. I have had therapy sessions with my older brother, and he has told me he was sorry, and he explained a little bit to me about what happened and why. He's in therapy and is still married, but you can tell that he is still in shock over what happened. I asked him if he ever saw dad do anything to Beth (since they were twins and were always around each other), and he says that he doesn't remember anything (I am wondering if he does and he just blocked it out). He did say that my parents never told him anything about sex, and he had all of these feelings and was ashamed of them and didn't know what was happening or why, and my father (obviously NOT a good role model) didn't explain anything to him. And he had these feelings and wanted to do something about them. And then I said, "Of course, that still doesn't make it ok, and I suffered tremendously because of it all." My brother obviously knew, too, that what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn't have told me not to say anything. And I told him that, and he said that he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't control it or whatever. I think that for the abusers, it's very hard for them to actually come to terms with what they did and why. Because they just can't believe the sick thing they have done. If any of them actually figures it out, I'm sure they would be apologizing and making amends up and down for what they've done for the rest of their lives. I don't think my dad can really deal with what he has done. I just think he is scared now, because he knows what he did was bad. I think he's afraid of what God will say when he meets his maker at the end, you know? I'm glad he's scared though. I don't know if my brother or father will ever figure it out, and I hope that they spend the rest of their lives remembering what happened so that it can never happen again. I am glad that we all know about my dad, and I'm glad that we all know about my brother, and I'm glad that they know we know. All of this has taught me about forgiveness. Like I said, I think the abusers are extremely sick and insecure. And I think that they are really pitiful. And I just hope for them that they will stop doing what they're doing, and realize that life shouldn't be that way. That people should never abuse other people like that. That it's wrong.

I guess the problem I have now is that I am somewhat cynical. And sometimes I get angry. I do have a problem trusting people sometimes. I have loved someone very deeply, but he started drinking, and couldn't stop, and I had to end the relationship, which was very difficult. I still love him very much. And I hope he gets better, and I guess I have been kind of lonely. I think the reason I decided to write to you today is because I'm hurting now. I think back on my relationship with my ex, and I look at how hard I worked (typical caretaker), and how deeply I loved him, and I can't believe that another man that said he loved me could hurt me so badly. Here I am, feeling hurt and left all alone by someone who told me he loved me. I guess it's that lately I've been thinking about how hard my life has been, and I just want one piece of happiness, and want things to work out with a man just once. Just once I would love to have a man that really loves me and respects me in my life. I hope that I can find someone that loves and respects the beautiful strong girl that I am, and respects everything I've been through. I've done so much soul-searching, so much work, and now I want to enjoy my life, and I would love to enjoy it with someone else. It feels so good to write all of this out and have someone know my story. I needed to get it out. I just think it's a very heroic story (not to brag), and I think people should see it. And maybe I want some validation. It's nice to know that there are a lot of people that have been through just what I've been through, and that they understand. I don't know if my story would help anyone, but maybe it will. I will be strong and follow my heart.

Thank you Stacey,
Sincerely, Amy