I was 17 years old when I met him. He was 23 and I met him through his cousins who happened to invite me over with my friends to their house. Ironically, he was at his aunt's house too with his then girlfriend. I remember seeing her and him ignoring her and paying attention to me and my friends. We had all went to the park and he was saying how he disappeared the whole weekend and that he did not care.

Well I knew he was interested in me but I only wanted to be his friend. He knew how to say all the rights things to me....very charming and good with his words. Well we all started hanging out together as a group. I was not attracted to him at all and actually would go to sleep when we hung out. Eventually he broke down my wall and we started to date. I came out pregnant from him very quickly and had an abortion. I can recall his family telling me that he had a hand problem and when I confronted him on this he would play it down and tell me he had hit his son's mother because she was sleeping around while she was pregnant. Well I had sworn he would never do this to me. On the day we made a year, we got into a very big arguement and he took me by my neck and threw me up against a wall. I was in shock. It was around 2am and he threw me out of his apartment. I had to call my mother and get her to come and get me. I was devisated and heart broken that he would throw me out of his house and not care. He called 2 days later and I got back with him. This was the beginning of a very abusive relationship. He felt he owned me and my body. He had seen me in a bar and pulled my out by hair in front of everyone for no reason, smacking me in his friends car for yelling back at him giving me a busted lip. He would cry and say he knew no better because this was what he saw as a child growing up. He would get mad at me for yelling back at him and smack me so hard that my ears would ring. He would throw me on the floor and stand over me smacking me. Making a closed fist and acting like he was going to punch me to see me jump. They were several incidents of abuse and I lost a lot of my friends because of this. I was so painful for them to see me going back to him. I even had one friend hold onto my legs, crying and begging to stay when I told her I was going to his house. I was addicted to him. I was in bondage with this person. I let him own my mind, body and soul. Through out our 5 year relationship, we had good times and bad. He would be able to be the most charming person and make me think he had changed and then I would catch him with a women in his apartment and he would beat me (his girlfriend) up and throw me out....to then apologize for weeks. It came to a point that people would tell me that I liked getting hit and humiliated...Imagine that!! Who likes to get beaten up..certainly not me..but I had no pride. He would tell me that if he could not hit me (because he had stopped for a while) that he had the right to mentally abuse me and curse at me. He had to "vent" some how. In the 5 years I had 4 abortions and 2 miscarriages from him. I wanted everyone of the pregnancies but he would do something to me that I would not be able to even think of raising a child of his blood. Because of this, I now have a hole in my uterus and was told that if and when I want a child I would need to be in complete bed rest.

There are 2 stories of abuse that I will remember forever. One was in front of a bar, he was pushing me out of the bar because he was mad that I was there and wanted to hangout with his boys and pick up women. While in front of the bar, I got mad and yelled at him to leave me alone and at that point, he grabbed me and punched me in my stomach (and I was pregnant to then miscarriage the next day), I fell to the floor and he began kicking me in my stomach, I could not breath, no one helped. Not the bouncers, not the cops across the street. Finally his friend drove up and saw him and grabbed him and threw him against the wall.....

My second story was at the same bar. We went to have drinks and try to have a nice time. Once there and ex girlfriend of his was there (one who he used to cheat on me with). It became uncomfortable for me. His brother showed up and began chatting with the girls friend. As we were leaving the bar, his brother was supposed to drive us home, I noticed the girls walking to the car too. I could not believe he was putting me in this situation to be in the same car with this girl who we all know he cheated on me with. To top it off, he suddenly wanted me to go home first and then go with his brother to drop them home. When I protested he began hitting me and I was so enraged that I finally began to hit him back. We were in the back seat fighting each other and his brother was still driving the car. The police pulled his brother over for running a red light and to there suprise they saw him punching me..they drew there guns and he would not let go of me. They mased him, beat him, and threw handcuffs on him. The officer on the scene could not believe it. He hugged me and supported me. I had half of my face swollen and bruised. He spent a whole weekend in jail. And yes, I dropped the charges and forgave him...I had no self respect.

There are too many incidents that I can tell you but they are also very painful for me. This person took my dignity and my self worth away. This person has forced himself on me when I have told him over and over again no (which is called rape), He has told me that my father (who was never in my life) left because I was no good, He has pulled out a gun on me, tried to burn my face with a hot iron...amongst many other things. It took the love of my family and friends and me finding the never ending love of Jesus Christ to finally close this book!

After leaving many good and wonderful men, because I did not know how to accept a healthy relationship I am now involved with a man who is wonderful and loving and I am going through the same situation of not knowing how to accept true healthy love. I have my esteem back and my pride and just pray that I will be able to know how to love.....

thanks for letting me share this story.