My story begins when I was 7 and a half years old. When I was that age my family (My mom, dad, brother and sister) packed up and moved from Nashville, Tennessee to Atlanta, Georgia. I was a fairly active child who still had some of her baby fat. My dad apparently did not understand that concept as he told me he didn't like his "Fat daughter" and that I "disgusted" him.

My father has made a business out of humiliating me. I really think it pleases him to make me cry. Even now, when i'm 23. I still remember several specific incidents. For instance - I still remember when we used to go to this chinese resturaunt and they always brought your meal out on a big platter and would bring a seperate plate for eating off of out. I always got shrimp fried rice. No matter how little i put on my plate if I tried to dig one or two last pieces of shrimp out of my platter of shrimp fried rice my dad would look at me and sneer and make oinking noises at me and say "Go ahead you fat little piggy, eat up. *oink* *oink* *oink*" That may sound like a joke to some people but if you hear it enough and if your father tells you that you are fat enough, you eventually believe it. I always thought everyone was trying to be nice to me, teachers, kids at school, my friends parents, my best friend, people at the local swimming pool.... I would always talk about being on a diet or losing weight and they would look at me shocked and say "Why on earth do YOU need to lose weight?" I always responded it was "because I am fat." They always said "no you aren't." *sigh* The really sad part is...now I know...they are right...i wasn't fat.

I was normal sized but I weighed a lot more than other children my age because i was taller and I had more muscle mass than they did. I was not fat though if anyone wants to see pictures. I can prove that.

I will come back to my father later. I want to try to approach this chronologically. When I was about 8 and a half years old my parents and I visited my grandparents in Nashville for about a week during the summer. I have a cousin named Dana who is about 3 or 4 years older than me. She was always my favorite cousin. Whenever my family came up from Atlanta we always ended up sleeping in the same bed. Anyone who has been brought up in a close family can identify with that I am sure. I stayed an extra week with my grandparents and dana while my mom and dad went back to Atlanta with my brother and sister. On Friday night Dana and I spent the night with our aunt and uncle. (not her parents nor mine) We knew we had to get up early the next morning but we played monopoly until late and my aunt and uncle had already gone to bed.

To make a very long story short that night my cousin introduced me to oral sex both giving and receiving and she kissed me and touched me there and had me touch her breasts and touch her down there. I really didn't know how i felt about doing that. I liked the attention that I got from doing those things to her. I never wanted anything more than her to pay attention to me. I still felt kind of gross about it and really did not want to do it again. Over the years she developed sexually and so did I. for the next five years she still had me touch her and it was usually nothing more than that (that I remember) I derived no pleasure from it by this point it was primarily only rubbing her chest and stomach. I would tell her I didn't think it was such a good idea. I know there were other things done because I knew things I shouldn't have known at that age. I was 13 the last time i let her touch me. I sort of forgot what had happened. When I was 16 years old, right before my grandfather died I remembered. I realized then the extent of what she had been doing and I realized that she had been getting off from what she made me do.

It was then that I realized she had been sexually abusing me all of that time.

That was how my self esteem got crushed.

I said I would come back to my father, I have come back to him. My father told me that he loved me the day my sister was born. I do not remember the next time he ever said "I love you" to me until this past year about three months ago. he finally told me again that he loves me. I got married last year and he didn't even tell me he loves me on my wedding day. My father has NEVER told me he is proud of me. Everyone used to tell me "Your dad is so proud of you, he tells us he is proud of you all of the time." He never told the most important person in the world - me.

My father always told me I was a liar (no matter if i was telling the truth or not) He also always told me that I was childish and would always ask me "when are you going to grow up?" I was 8 or 9 when he asked that. I have never felt like I was good enough for my father. My hair is very unruly by nature, i have a hard time making it go where I want it to. During my early teenage years I always had bad hair because of my hormones. Whenever my extended family came over my dad always made fun of me until I would cry and run off, then he would laugh or call after me "Cry baby!" Then mom would see me and say "What's wrong?" and I would tell her and she would yell at my father and the next time he was making fun of me and I started crying he would say "Okay whiney butt, go cry to your mother like you always do. You little tattle tale!"

I used to fight with my brother over who got to ride in the back seat of the van. I usually won because I was older and if i sat in the backseat with my sister it would entice my brother that he could sit on the middle seat alone. It was beneficial to me because my dad could not reach me way back there in the back. Sure eventually I would be close enough to him for him to reach me but for at least five hours I was safe.

My father has always made fun of my weight. I had a great figure until I was 16. Right around the time I "remembered" about my sexual abuse I started putting on the weight. I was slightly overweight until that point but at that point I really put on the pounds because of such displeasure with myself.

I guess my disordered eating started around the time I was 8. I started sneaking food. My prefered food to sneak was cookies or little debbie snack cakes. I would sneak packets of instant oatmeal though if i had to (and that was what I normally snuck)

I feel like the other girl on your page, the one who says that she isn't really sure or that she feels like overall her childhood was good but when she looks at the results she isn't very sure.

I exposed myself to my brother and his friend at their request when I was 9. The first time I had phone sex was when I was 14. I have trouble saying no because of fear of rejection.

Please, if some little girl is out there being abused by an older little girl, it IS important that you tell. I told my mother finally this year and I feel much better about it. I am 23 and should have told my mother a long time ago but I have to deal with the fact that I did not tell. Please learn from my mistake. Part of the reason I did not tell was I was afraid it would split my family apart. know this much - it may split YOU further apaart than it could ever split your family. Another part of the reason that I never told was that I just didn't know it was abuse. Dana told me it was something that all little girls did to make big girls happy and she told me that no one talked about it. because if our grandmother knew about it she would hate me forever for it.

Well anyway....that is my story. If you have any questions or anything you can contact me at: [email protected]

Thank you very much...

Carol