Jackie's Survival Story

I feel I should tell you a little about myself... I am 34 single and a survivor of child sex abuse, although I feel I didn't endure anything near what you went through I am still affected by what happened to me as a child. I have been working on my emotions & have read a million self help books. I was sexually abused by my father & physically & mentally abused by both parents, being told I was nothing, so generally I grew up feeling like the scum of the earth. My parents were also into devil worshipping which I have to tell you really screwed me up. Then we (my brother & sister) were put into a home, they left us and says they were coming back, & they didn't... I do believe now that was the best thing that ever happened to me .. I was 15 at the time... After, I stayed with friends & I was abused again, so I thought I would end it all, that didn't work! glad now though.
I have never managed to have a proper relationship... getting totally confused about sex & love.. so now I don't have relationships.... I would love to, but for now I have decide to think more of myself & give me the respect I deserve... I have finally decided to break patterns. I have recently gone back into therapy, because I feel I am ready to move on with my life and start the next chapter. Scary though! I just find it difficult making that last move ... letting go... this new therapist who is lovely makes me feel the pain again... 'what a cow' ....& I just thought I was angry... but I am getting there.. I am also staring a 12 week survivor course which I think would be good for me. Sorry if I am going on ... I just started typing & now I can't stop... hope you don't mind!... I tell you something I have just started doing, well up until a month ago I went through a really bad patch & was feeling really negative & basically hated my life & wanted to die... then one day I put the TV on and Opera was on.. (what an amazing lady) & she had a guest who spoke about writing a gratitude journal each day... so I thought ok I'll give this a go... & do you know that I have so much to be grateful for, I would write down the smallest of things & now I focus on them & not on what I don't like about my life. I am trying now to change the things I don't like... It's funny how sometimes you can just put the TV or radio on at just the right moment or the computer.
And if you don't mind Stacey I would like to pass your story onto ChildLine which is a helpline in the UK for children ... well I have been a volunteer counsellor for 3 years, and I think they would be inspired by your story when they train new counsellors... if that's ok with you? I'd better go now because I have rambled on forever but I would just like to say the You truly are a wonderful unique person who is not only inspiring to other survivors but also you are loving & compassionate human being. I truly wish you great happiness and inner peace always in your life and I h