Only I can be the one God made me to be. I was no different from any other pretty baby born until those around me thought of me as different. I never saw myself as different though. I wanted to be as equal as all the other little girls but somehow that desire was lost like a needle in a haystack. They labeled me before I even knew what the word meant. I was momma's baby (spoiled) so they'd say. They didn't even know me! They didn't even know that I was hated and ridiculed by my own siblings. They did even know that I was teased and taunted by my classmates. They didn't even know that my only friends were using and abusing me without anyone even realizing or even paying attention to my cries of pain. They didn't even know me! But God knows because he made me to be the one I am.

Only I can endure the pains I have experienced. As early as I can remember, I have been sexually abused. I want to list these experiences of abuse "all in a row" so not to touch on one specific event but that's hard to do, too graphic! So I have to explain how it all started, from the time I can remember of course. This is a hard thing to do, it brings back many painful memories of what used to be and what is, but yet it brings out the "wanting to deal with" I have discovered within myself over the past two years. I have pondered on this situation for many years but not until I met my husband did I realize what this has been doing to my life as a woman. I do feel the need to explain further.

I remember a couple situations with my uncle that I'd like to mention, mind you, there are many more and many more that I don't even remember. We were on the second floor of the house he shared with my Grandfather, my step Grandmother, my two aunts and my uncle. He was bragging on how pretty I was and touching me and feeling me and abusing me and me, being none the wiser thought this was "cool". This was the only friend I had but unbeknownst to me, this was my abuser, my enemy, and the terror of my life. After a few years of this as I got older, I started realizing this is wrong. He didn't care. One night while my Grandfather sat in the living room watching the news, he called me to the back room to help him find, uumm, I think it was some keys. As I approached he grabbed me, I fought as much as my little being could, to no avail. I told him that I was going to tell and he told me that he would make sure I took half the blame, meaning I let him. I could have screamed for my Grandfather, but this blame, I believed was real.

One other situation was with a friend of the family. I was about 6 or 7 and he was I think somewhere between 16 and 19. As I mentioned before, I was not a favorite to my siblings and they would do anything to see me hurt and I would do anything to see them happy. They talked me into going into the bedroom with him because he wanted me. I blushed as they shoved and teased about how scared I was. I wanted to prove them wrong but I was scared. After a few more taunts I finally went in his room. He instructed me on what to do and how to lie, when to move and when not to move and I must say, this time it really hurt.

There were other occasions. A grown man asked to see if I was growing pubic hair on my private. A teenager broke into my mother's basement to carry me to the basement and sexually assault me. The cops where called because this time I told, but my mother didn't want me to go through a trial and all. ONLY I CAN ENDURE THESE PAINS!

Only I can face those pains, I realize that so this is what I do. I pick myself up, I take myself out and I show myself that there is a life for me. I don't need to be caught up in this web that wants to suck me of all the blood I have within me. I need this blood for my children. They need to know that if ever they need a transfusion, mommy's gonna be the first in line to help them. I can't give up as I wished before. I have to set this aside for the benefit of! Of God, of life, of my marriage, of my babies! The grip I need is the fact of reality, that there is nothing I can do to change these things that has happened to me. There is no time capsule, no back to the future. I have to realize this.

Only I can know how those pains have impacted my life. I'd like to recite a song. One of my favorites because it touches my heart (as far as my love life has been effected) in a way that, "just listen!"

"I, who have nothing, I who have no one, they adore you, and want you so, I'm just a no one with nothing to give you but I, I love you! She buys you diamonds, said they are bright, they are bright sparkling diamonds, but believe me boy, here what I say, she could give you the world but she'll never love you the way, that I love you baby. You can go any place you want, to fancy clubs and restaurants, but I can only watch when my love loves pressed up against the window pain."

Only I can heal those pains. But where do I start? I think it will take a skilled professional, only because I need someone to talk to that can kind of see where my mind and heart is. But my husband told me, "no one can relate like you can." I believe someone can relate but not know deeply how this problem impacts the lives of young girls, such as I, and our future. I had so many dreams and aspirations that got shut down because a grown ass man chose to put a burden on my shoulders that I could not bear. I'm still crying because of the life I missed out on. I'm crying now, just explaining this! How can I heal this without any help at all? I've tried all this time and I'm still suffering. So only I know that it takes more to overcome the barriers in my life. It has to come from those who can relate, who have endured and who can understand.

Only I can forgive those pains. Forgiveness is, fortunately one of my strongest points. Forgetfulness is not. I have, since I was a preteen, always had Jesus the Almighty in my life and heart. And I do have my own sinful ways that I'm sure my Lord will forgive me for. Therefore, those pains are already in the midst of being forgiven. It may have taken quite awhile but it's happening. And I thank God because I don't think if I could not forgive, I could not get over.

Only I can love, as I know how. Through my long loved years its always been, "If you feel me rock, you'd better move!" That's how I love, point blank! It's gotta be that, if I'm to feel my husband, my baby, he has to feel me first. That's a dilemma I'm trying to face and get over. But its not as easy as going in the kitchen and frying him bacon and eggs. The fact that my sexuality and love perceptions are so miss-screwed, I can't relate to how I should love him. Should I say no when I feel that he only wants to as he touches me, or should I say yes when I know he doesn't feel the need to touch me? I can love only as I know how! I can only give him what I have to bring. It may not be the greatest but I guarantee, there will never be a lack of. That's the fear of rejection of the love I know I do deserve. I'm finding I don't know how to love as I wish to.

Only I can be who I am. Loving, adoringly wonderful, amusing, devoted, faithful, glorious, motherly, affectionate, fun, hilarious, trustworthy, vengeful, not a morning person at all, so don't wake me up at eight in the morning tryin to tell me you want to publish this. I am who I am, just me. I feel at this time that I can be no one but?? I may get a few suggestions on how I should be but I chose to take them as post it notes, if you know what I mean. No one can make me, break me nor change me. I'm realizing that now more than ever. I can't please everyone, as I have tried, but I can please AS I KNOW HOW.

Email Kali