I wanted to write to you & share my story. I found your website the other day. I feel as if I HAVE to share this in hopes of reaching other women.

It all started in 1994. I had just recently divorced. The man I was married to thought more of his "party" life than his wife and daughter at home. After 4 years of unhappiness, I left my marriage in hopes of rebuilding my life w/ my 5 year old daughter by my side. During our separation, I had to get an EPO out against my ex husband for stalking & choking me. I was scared to go anywhere by myself. I found myself looking around buildings and in parking lots for his truck. At that time, I thought "I surely couldn't meet anyone worse than my ex husband." Little did I know, I was going to meet a monster; Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. This man made my ex husband look like a saint.

I met this man in 1995. He was a charmer. He opened doors for me, took me to fancy restaurants, bought me gifts and flowers and treated me, as if I was someone special. I had never been treated with such respect before. I was impressed. I thought possibly, "This was my Knight in Shining Armor." This man didn't like to "bar scene" and he didn't do drugs...(so I thought, I found out he had a crank/cocaine problem a few years down the road)

After about a year of dating this man, who wined and dined me & loved to wrestly w/ my daughter, moved in with us. This was in 1996. She was in such desperate need for male attention. My ex husband, her father, would go months before he would pick her up or spend time with her. Within a few months, the cycle of abuse began. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it was abuse.

It started out with the small things. If I didn't do something he liked, he would not talk to me; no love or affection for several days, until I realized my mistake. He made me believe I had no idea how to raise or disciple my child. His discipline went TOO far, even with his own 2 children. He made my daughter's life a living hell. She couldn't answer any question of his, to suit him. She was so scared of him and nervous around him. No matter what she said he swore she was lying and doing it just to get us into an argument. He swore she was manipulating the situation to get us to break up. She was 6 years old at the time. He called her names in front of her and expected her to act more of an adult than a child. He has 2 children of his own & treated them in the same way as he treated mine. If his 10 year old son got hurt and cried, he would punish his son for crying. His punishments were never light.

In 1997, his 11 year old daughter soon came to the point where she refused to come down or talk to him on the phone. He never understood why she didn't want to be w/ her Daddy. He didn't do anything wrong. He actually believed his ex wife turned her against him. I eventually told him, "It's because of the way you treat her, my daughter, and your son. You are mean." He just wouldn't accept that. He was only doing it for their own good. When she stopped coming down down, that's when I realized something was wrong. His children was scared of him. My daughter was scared of him. Everyone in our household was "walking on eggshells" never knowing when his next explosive episode would take place.

Also in 1997, he tried to turn me against my parents and my brother. He physically got into a fight w/ my brother. Everyday was constant chaos.

I couldn't be 5 minutes late from work. He had to have me right beside him constantly. I had to give up everything just to show him attention. It was his way or no way. He made me wait on him hand & foot. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed cooking and waiting on him and the kids but he got to expect it. That's when I started resenting it. It was MY JOB because I was the woman. I couldn't get "out of line" or "run my mouth." If I did, he would leave and not come home until he thought I learned my lesson.

I had gotten fed up several times with how he treated me and my daughter. I got fed up with his crank/cocaine problem. When he knew I was about at the end of my rope, he would always turn on the charm. He was promise me he'd change, telling me not to give up on him "like all the others did;" telling me we were soul mates and what we had was perfect. Me, remembering the "wonderful times", always gave him another chance. I took all the blame. I felt responsible for this 30 year old man. I had it all figured out. I had to make sure he didn't get mad. I just had to make sure everything was placed exactly where it was suppose to go. I made sure the kids didn't do anything that would upset him or make him mad. I made sure they didn't have messy hands or faces and got dirt on their clothes. Needless to say, I was fighting a loosing battle. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do; what I said or didn't say; what I wore or didn't wear, who I talked to or didn't talk to. He would still had found something to be abusive over.

During these 3 years, I felt as if I was loosing my daughter. I knew I had to break it off w/ this lunatic. But how? His manipulative and charming was made it so hard. He would suck me right back into the relationship. It felt as if he was sucking the life right out of me. Something had to give so I could find my way out.

The end of 1998, after I finally seen what kind of person this man really was....A monster & not my "Knight in Shining Armor" was when he realized I felt this way. He looked elsewhere for what I no longer gave him....love & compassion. I had resentment and hate built up in me for this man.I didn't idolize him anymore. I looked at him with eyes that were dead. No light left in them. I looked at him with hatred. That light eventually fades after you've been choked, hit, belittled, cussed, pushed, and threatened with a shotgun.

He needed someone else to idolize him, like I used too. That's what he fed off of. He found her too but everytime I asked him about it....He called me crazy & swore I was the only one for him and after all him and HER were just friends. All I wanted was out & I couldn't get him to fess up to anything.

In 1999, I finally got my proof. I finally had something solid to hold onto. If I didn't have proof, he would had swindled his way back into my life.

I will never forget that night. Thank goodness, my daughter was gone with her father. When I confronted him about my proof and he was trapped, all hell broke loose. Lamps got broken. Walls got busted. I got pushed and slammed around & hit. Cops were called and it was finally over. Within 2 days, everything of his, including the magnets on my refrigerator was packed and out of my home. I was FREE. 10,000 lbs were lifted off my shoulders.

Within the next couple days, I changed the locks on my house. A couple weeks went by & he was still trying. With every effort of his failing, he got mad. I had to file for an EPO against him. Unfortuately, the court system is so screwed up.....I walked out of the court house without an EPO on him. He did leave me alone. I think he finally realized I was done and I wasn't going to let him intimidate me any longer.

I was so screwed up emotionally. I didn't trust anyone. I had a deep seated hatred embedded in me. I just couldn't get past it.

The end of 1999, I met someone was who and still is, wonderful. It took awhile to trest him but eventually I did. He is now my husband. We were married May 2000 in The Great Smokey Mountains. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful step father to my daughter. She loves him dearly.

I was so messed up from my previous relationship, I would lay in bed and cry on my husband's shoulder thinking about what this other man did to my daughter. I feared she would grow up hating me because I didn't get away from him sooner. I found myself still on edge.

I then started researching "Batterers" and their behaviors. I read all the books I could possible get my hands on. I realized none of the abuse was my fault. It helped me tremendously. I was able to get in this man's head and find out what made him tick.

In August 2000, my husband and I, and my daughter joined a new church here in our town. After several months, I had an overwhelming urge to start a support group for women who have been physically and emotionally abused. We're called "Arms Wide Open." It's a wonderful group. We meet every Tuesday at my home. I have learned so much within these past 2 years. So many women go through this. So much shame and guilt is weighed upon their shoulders and it isn't their fault. They're not the only one who's going through or gone through such a terrible thing. I want to reach out to other women. I want to share my story and my knowledge. I want to help them all. My heart goes out to them.

By the grace of God, I'm here today telling my story. My daughter, who is now 12 years old, still fears this man. Those 3 years were the most stressful times of our lives. I feel like those 3 years were just a blur sometimes. I remember some things but some things I think I've blocked out & don't want to remember. I was so naive to think "There's no way I could meet anyone any worse than my ex husband." I had no idea mean people lived in this world, in this town. Sure, I seen movies on TV but nothing like that happens here where I live. Violent people only existed in the movies, like, "Sleeping with the Enemy." How ironic though, that I too, had to label my cabinets and keep my can goods in perfect order.

There are more violent people out there than one thinks. Look pass the smile and the charm; look pass the man pulling out the chair for his girlfriend/wife; and look at the woman....Is the light gone from her eyes? Does she constantly look down? Does she not speak unless spoken too?

Right now, I'm reading "Men who hate women and the women who love them." This is an awesome book. I'm only half way through this book but within a couple of pages, realized I was involved with a misogynistic man.

We all are stronger than we can ever imagine. My strength came from the fact that I had to get my only daughter away from this man. I reached down within myself and done what I had to do. I didn't know anything about abuse then but I knew I wasn't going to live my life in constant fear.

The Lord above has brought me to this healing piont. I want to tell this story on as many websites as I can. If there are other sites where my story can be told, please email me at [email protected].

God Bless, <>< Missi Tomes