The experiences of abuse started before I even attended Kindergarten. My father was an enlisted Air Force officer at the time. From my perception, it was as if he didn't care for having a daughter as a firstborn child, & the way he expressed that was through humiliating me sexually. Oral sex & fondling were a given. He also subjected me to fits of sudden rage if I wasn't the "perfect" little girl. If I failed a class, he threatened me with a beating. I remember during my 7th grade year when my grades were less than "stellar", he wound up lashing me with a "switch" from a tree outside. I'm sure the neighbors could hear me screaming like mad, but, of course, this was 1985, & people, at that time still "minded their business". My mother's behavior also puzzles me. She stood by, passively, as this man nearly beat me to death over a stupid grade. She claims that she "didn't realize" that he was going to beat me to that extent. I always wonder why she let him get away with behavior like that. If it was me, the cops would have been carrying him out of the house in a body bag--especailly, if I KNEW he was abusing my child. My mom had caught him the "act" one night. She never investigated it any further, however, because I lied, & said that he was just "hugging" me. Why she never pressed the issue further, I don't know.
I think High School was the worst time, though. We were stationed overseas, & I had the hardest time fitting in. The constant abuse from my dad didn't exactly brighten my prospects of having a great future either. My enviornment was filled with negativity, & I carried that around with me everyday. In 1988 though, things changed. One April morning, the child within became "fed up". Just out of the blue, I confided in a classmate of mine (who I admit, with much chagrin, I had a "crush" on) that my father was sexually abusing me. She encouraged me to report it, & accompanied me to the school nurse's office where I told everything. It was as if a weight had been lifted, but, that relief was to be short-lived. My (extended) family didn't respond too well to the fact that I had "exposed" my father. "I'ts a family affair" they claimed. My uncle practically called me a liar, saying that I was just "exaggerating", & that a dad could "pat his daughter on the behind" once in a while. As for my father's military career, well, that went out of the window. He was given a "dishonorable discharge" & dismissed as an officer after 17 years of service. I think that's the only thing I feel regret about as a result of my revelation--but that's about it. After all he had put me through, I felt that I needed to think about ME for a change.
For now, I'm just trying desperately to heal. That's rather difficult to do sometimes. My father still has contact & visiting rights with my two younger brothers & he calls the house a lot. I don't speak with him very often & the last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. That suits me just fine. I'd rather concentrate on getting my education--I'm currently an Art student in California--&having just a "normal" life. When you've been exposed to a dysfunctional lifestlye for so long, the prospects of that happening seem so far away. I applaud web sites like "A Teddy Bear's Secret", because it reminds me that I'm not alone. There are people out there striggling to regain their lives--just like me. I appreciate the efforts of survivors coming together to fight this societal "disease". Hopefully, one day, we'll find a cure.
*NOTE: I'm trying to start a charity for building shelters for abused kids. My dream is to have a sort of "Ronald McDonald House" for abused children. If anyone knows any reputable companies or resources out there that can help, please let me know.