Ok well here goes, this isneally something I've ever tried to write down or even speak of for that matter. I may seem very blunt in my description of what was done to me but I see no advantage in being subtle.
I was born March 10th 1980, a very big baby of 10lbs. And according to my mother, a very happy one until the age of 5. It was 1985, my uncle Steve was going through a divorce and had no place to stay so my parents offered him a room to rent. At first I thought it was great, I remember quite clearly being very happy that there was a new guy arround to play lego with. He'd spend alot of time with me, would buy me Crunchy bars at the corner store and take me fishing with him. One day all that changed.
My parents weren't home for some reason, I was too young to remember. I was with uncle steve, we were watching TV and he looked over at me and said in a very stern voice "Get ready for bed! I'm giving you 1 minute!". I was very frightened, I had never seen this look in his eyes before, he stared right through me and sent shivers through me. I ran upstairs and changed into my pyjamas. He tore up the stairs and said "take those off now!". So I took them off, he then ordered me on my knees and he tied me up with the pant legs of my pyjamas. That night he forced me to perform oral sex on him, he performed anal sex on me also. All I remember is painful stinging and then numbing as I drifted into my own little world. This sort of thing would happen on a very regular basis from that point on. I remember one time in particular he hung me by my feel from the basement ceiling and tied twist ties arround my penis and arroused it so the ties would tighten on it. I cried for hours hanging from the ceiling. He would come in the room from time to time and laugh at me and masturbate himself and ejaculate on my face. It would run up my nose and the smell of it made me vomit. It went in my hair and all over the floor. He of course made me clean it up once it had all dried on the carpet.
He always said to me "you must enjoy what I'm doing to you, you don't ever say a word to make me think otherwise!" I was just blocking him out, I would imagine stories or songs as a diversion to what was going on.
At the age of 14 it had gone on for 9 years. I was quite accustomed to what he wanted and when to avoid him if at all possible. I decided to tell mom, I would regret it. She looked me straight in the eye and said "you're nothing but a fucking liar!" and my father agreed with her as he always did on everything. My mother ruled roust. Strangely enough though, my uncle moved out one month later and the house was put up for sale. I guess my parents are old school, don't ask don't tell. And never speak of anything unpleasent.
Today I suffer from Panic disorder, agoraphobia and am Bi-Polar. I can't hold down a relationship or a job. I don't blame all my faults on what happened, I'm just suggesting a link. I know that I have to take charge of my life and try not to let these things affect me. But the sad part is no matter how hard I try, I am deeply affected. If I'm having sex with a woman, at any given moment I might have a panic attack or start crying. Women don't seem to think that's a great quality in a man. I'm truly lost, I don't know where to turn. All I feel is sadness and anger, and I think of what happened to me on a daily basis.