My next memory was when my mother was going out and I did not want to go. He wanted me to stay. So I told my mom that I wanted to stay. I stayed and he took off all my clothes and laid me on the bed. I was feeling icky so I did not respond back to his kissing. He said I needed to be a good girl like I was last week. I have no recollection of the even he is talking about but I did what I was told. I remember at this point checking out and seeing myself below with him on top of him. I remember watching myself kiss him. I also remember looking into my own eyes as he continues to rape me. I think I was 8 but I know I was not older then 10.
This is where I know my memory fails me because my next memory is of another abuser. Another cousin, his brother. One specific memory is when he took me to the back room which was his parents bedroom and he would pull down my pants and lay me over his lap and put his fingers inside of me. He would have me say that I like it. If not he would hurt me with his fingers by shoving them in further. I remember the door being locked and my brother who was 3 years older then me would knock on the door and he was angry because he felt like I was getting special attention. I don't know if this with him getting locked out happened more then once but the memory has my brother opening the door and my cousin dropping me to the floor. He pushed my brother out of the room. I was left humiliated and very scared. I was crying when he cam back thinking about how "bad" I was. My cousin cam in and leaned over and said that everything was ok that my brother didn't see anything. I think this is where the rift between my brother and I start. I was around..actually I don't know this may have been before that second memory but it is just a blur.
His brother to my recollection would use his fingers and sometimes objects inside of me. There are other events of him having me to lie down in the living room next to him under a cover while he touched me. I remember 2 times specifically. Once we were watching a movie called Earthquake and he motioned me to come sit by him I did and he took the blanket and covered me and him and touched me. He would hurt me but I couldn't say anything or even show any emotion. I would get caught and be called bad again. Another time he called me over and started again and I got scared and got up.
Another time was when he had me laying down on his parents bed. I don't even remember what he was putting inside but it hurt and he said if I moved it would be worst That is when I checked out and just remember looking at the bed covers.
My parents did tell me that my cousin did live with up for 2 or 3 weeks but I don't remember that time span at all.
The last time he touched me was I was around 12 or 13 maybe I was 14 but he started to touch me when my brother walked out and I got scared and told him to stop but he wouldn't and so I got up and struggled and was able to go away. I left crying but no one said a word as I ran to my room.
By this time I thought I had "easy" written on my forehead and I felt like it was confirmed when I was at the beach and someone tried to attack me. He touch me but he did not rape me I managed to get away. I hated myself and felt like I deserved it all.
I grew up and the memories of my childhood affected me everyday. It wasn't until I was 23 that I was able to tell anyone about my past. Even the few people I know and knew me had no idea. After 2 years of therapy and anti depressants I managed to get into a healthy relationship. Now I look back and have decided that it is time to pick up the torch again and continue healing. My journey is not over because I still have shame from the past.
It will take time and I will survive!