Rainbow's Story of Survival........
okay first of all i am egyptian and i have been living in egypt.. this is basically a place where ppl don't aknowledge the existence of child abuse in anyway.. there are no child abuse crisis centers or anything like that.. but there is one rape crisis center and befrienders phone number and a university counseling number.. that's about it.. child abuse is a tabooo that is not discussed in anyway and there are basically no effort been made to educate or help ppl on that matter... so with that i will start.. my earliest memory of being abused was when i was 3.. for a long time i thought it was the maid but when i thought about recently i really can't put a face to the person.. it was just this one big mama of a woman dressed in black had me on the floor with my legs open and pushing stuff into it.. and like that's about it..i mean i came to the conclusion that it was the maid coz like who else would i mean.. but i can never be sure...... my parents have been great parents in every way they where also over protective of me when i was a kid.. they were scared of something like that happening.. but nonetheless it happened... then i had a cousin who was a few years older than me...... he started doing things to me all the time when i was five.. and a lot of it happened when i slept over at my grandmother's house.. we would be both sleeping beside her on the bed and he would start doing things to me after i had goine to sleep...... she never knew anything was happening beside her under the sheets.... that went on maybe untill i was 13 and i asked him on day to stop it.. he got all pissed at me and was like you've been letting me touch you for all these yrs and now you just ask me to stop.. i was like if you don't i will tell my parents.. he was like no one will believe you plus if they do you too will be in a lot of trouble.. but he stopped trying to do anything to me for like two yrs.. and then he tried once when i was 15.. that was scary coz all of a sudden i felt helpless and i froze so hard and couldn't deal with it.. but after a few minutes i dealt with it and ran to my house.. that was about it with my cousin..... thing is i remember on incident w/ my uncle where we he asked me for a a hug and then he was like touching me and and rubbing against me i was 11 at the time.. thing is i don't know anymore if that was my imagination or not.. but also there is something that is the only memory i have of him but i feel there is still so much blocked that i haven't dealt with yet..... at times i feel that i am so scared and that i can't do shit about anything alomost like someone is taking control of my life.. there is this fear that is like the fear i got when someone did something to me. but also i am reliving that memory of the fear without the visual memory..... anyways i know i have blocked a lot of memories about the abuse and everything.. and sometimes i remember stuff which sorts of just like pounces onto me when i least expect it and i get all upset and scared and unable to deal with the world in anyway.......... also i was molested as a kid by at least 10 men and what bothers me the most that even though my parents were protective of me that happened to me.. i mean sometimes my parents would just be a few metres away........ this one time i was with my family for vacation in the red sea i was around 12 and my parents were on the boat and like me and all like the kids went down to go snorkeling and like this one man who is supposed to take care of us..... had my rest on his lap.. and then like he tried to push his dick up my ass...... you know it was just like my parents are on the boat 6 metres away. and they didn't notice shit....... so that was how it was... i guess i let that happen to me because it had become such a normal thing that i was supposed to accept forever by any man and everything because it had become such a routine in my life...... but that's just not how it is anymore in anyway........ i know that this wasn not my fault and everything. but the thing is i had so problems dealing with people when i was growing up... i felt so much shame i couldn't look my mom in the face at all coz i thought she could read my mind and know what was happening and then i would be in trouble.. i felt so mush different than everyone else at school also it was sort of wierd i felt that this was wrong but it was inevitable and that i hated this being done to me but its just like eating broccoli its just something that had to be done........ i had a lot of self hatred inside me..... i covered it up with all this big show of confidence and happiness.... its just that i felt so so different so tainted or something like that.......... anyways i decided recently to confront my cousin since he was only a couple of yrs older and he was a child too at the time.,,, i did and he was lovely about it he apologized and everything and told me that forever he had hated what he had done.. and all that sort of thing.. when i asked him why?? he was just like coz this one woman did that to him so he just did that to me....... i know that there is such a thing as children abusing children and its all about power and control and violence but still i think an adult it to be blamed more and one must understand that for a kid to abuse another kid that usually means that they are being abused to..........so that was one i managed to deal with my anger. but there is still so much more that is suppressed and i want it all to come out and i want every single person whoever abused some kid or anything like that to really suffer andhave like really nasty and horrible things to happen to them.. because of that shit.. i feel that i never had the childhood many ppl did i was always scared and ashamed and wanted to die.. i couldn't look my mother int he eye because i felt so ashamed.. and i am so mad at the government and fucking society for keeping things like this so God damn quiet and not talking about them and not educating people about them.. i mean i come from like a very educated family.. 80% isn't educated..... so i mean one can imagine the shit that goes on there......... like the thing is as soon as i am done with college i am going to deal with a crisis center for abused children and i will try and have ppl know more about it and understand the signs and all that........ but i guess i am angry for not having the happy fear free childhood sort of thing...... and the funny thing i hid it so well from my parents and everybody.. i came across an issue of newsweek when i was 8 that was discussing child abuse and they had alist of the warning signs.. i remember automatically seeing if i was doing any of the expected behavior and when i found i was i changed the way i was acting and everything.. its just so wierd that i hid it so well.... i guess i was scared of that and also scared of what my parents would do to me or something......... whatever that's just about all of it.. i guess i've learnt to understand why i feel sometimes a certian way or like do certian things.. why i constantly need to feel loved.. and when i don't i feel so bad i can barely breathe........ and like the whole point is that if any egyptian chic is reading this and wants to like talk about it just email me i guess.... whatever.. anyways that's it..
Due to fears Rainbow has asked that no real names be shown nor e-mail address shown. Good Luck Rainbow and I hope one day you can stand proud to be a survivor!
Stacey...... Click on blue links to e-mail Rainbow