Hi, my name is Susan. At first I did not notice anything was wrong between my boyfriend and I. We got along well, we were always together, I was happy for a time. We were together for 9 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was a 17 years old getting ready to start my senior year. I became scared and hoped he would understand. Instead, the first thing he wanted to know was whether I was pregnant with his child or someone elses. Of course it was his but he drastcally chaged. He was not the guy who I had met 9 months prior.

At first it started that he was constantly checking up on me. Due to the pregnancy I had to transfer to a special school program so I could continue my education. Before school I had to call and let him know I was leaving. Since he didn't work or go to school himself he was almost always there for my calls, if he was asleep his grandmother would wake him. Once I got to school I had to call him again. At lunch, I would have to check in with him. After school, before I left to go to my parents house, I had to call again, then once home I had to call. If I was scheduled to work that day I would have to call before I left and again once I got there. This doesn't include all the calls he made contacting me while I was at work. He called me so often at work I came close to losing my job. When my shift was over I had to call before I left and again when I arrived home. If for some reason it took longer than he thought it should for me to get home he would berate me and make me feel like a fool. And through all this I had no clue something was wrong. I thought he was just concerned about me and the baby I was carrying.

My parents knew something was wrong and tried to help me understand what he was really doing to me. I refused to listen. He was a drug addict always in trouble, I wanted to help him. He was the bad boy and I was the good girl. I felt compelled to help save him from himself. My parents gave up on trying to get me to see the truth and gave me an ultimatum. I had to choose between my parents or the man I loved. I chose with my heart. His grandmother came over while my parents were at work and helped me move. I did this a month after my 18th birthday. He wanted us to get married but for some reason I was hesitant.

I was convinced things would get better once we were living together, but, I was wrong, they only got worse. His drug habit intensified, something I thought would be impossible due to the quantity already consumed. He tried to blame me for his exessive drug habit, supposedly I was a burden, I was adding stress to his life. So because of me he tried to hide from the responsibilities he could not face. He was more stressed because of my presence and the baby that was about to grace us with her arrival. I was the one that caused everything. It was always my fault. Little did he realize without me and my work..... He would not have food, he would not have clothing, transportation, a roof over his head. Without me all he would be is some drug user living on the streets begging, stealing and praying for death. Looking back now.... maybe he would have been better off on the streets, cold and alone.

If I wasn't at school or work I was a prisoner in my own home. He would take my car, so even if he would give me permission to go get groceries I would not be able to. I was trying to take care of myself so I would have a healthy baby, work full time, and get my high school diploma. While he was allowed to do as he please, his grandmother and I worked and paid all the bills.

As time went on his drug usage continued to escalate, and along with that his jealousy increased. No matter where I went, after my phone call to let him know I was on my way back home, he would give me 20 minutes to get there. If I was not inside the house within the alloted time frame, he would be standing at the door fuming, and accusing me of sleeping with someone else. Does not matter that I was stuck in traffic or the bus was late... I was wrong. It was my fault the bus was late or that the traffic was bad. He would threaten me and say such mean things I could do nothing but cry. Then he would grab my keys and dissapear with my car and be gone for hours doing only God knows what, with God knows who.

One day he decided he didn't want me or our unborn baby anymore. "We were cramping his style", he wanted me out of his life and house. I was terrified! I thought I had burned the bridge with my parents. I had no where to go. I had nowhere to turn, no friends, no family, I was lost. I did not know where to go or whom I could turn to. I did not think my parents would take me back, pregnant and scared, I was convinced I had to do this all alone. I tried to convince him to let me stay. Even if just for a little while until I can figure out what to do. Until I could figure out where to go. Well he refused. He told me to gather up what I had and what I managed to get for the baby and get the hell out. My life fell apart. I started to cry, hysterically, and begged him to let me stay. He screamed no and then started throwing obsenities at me. I was so scared, I thought he would hurt me, I began to shake. I followed him around the house and begged him to let me stay. He yelled at me to get out of his face. He said he didn't want to see me cry, he did not want to deal with the guilt trip. "Go pack your shit" he yelled. He got tired of listening to my pleas and started yelling at me. One of his friends was there and watched all this unfold. He became so angry with my crying and pleading with him to stay that he hit me. Not just once but twice, givng me a fat lip and black eye. He hit me so hard that he knocked me to the floor. Right in front of his drug buddy. But through all this "the friend" did nothing to help me. Since I was by the front door and he wanted outside he just stepped over me, like I was a rug. Then he and his friend sat outside and smoked cigarettes like nothing ever happened. I layed there in shock, not believing all this just happened. And the worst part.... I blamed myself. If I had not provoked him with my pleas he would have never laid a hand on me. But I had no idea what I had done wrong! I sat in the bedroom and wondered "what did I do? Where did I go wrong? How do I go to work looking like this?" So I called work and let them know that I would not be there, told them I was sick. I could not go amd wait tables with this huge lip and a black eye!! While I was calling the restaurant he came back in the house, he looked at me with my swelling lip and said "I only hit you to calm you down. Bye" Then he left with his friend. I sat there in shock... Hit me to calm me down??? Did not know what to do or say! And to this day the friend says nothing ever happened!

Because of this situation the gift growing inside me was not as active as normal. Needless to say I was very worried. He drove me to the emergency room a few nights later. She had not been active for two days!!! I was examined, and they determined I was in early stages of labor. At only 8 months pregnant I was 2 1/2 centimeters dialated. Unfortunaitly I had gotten a male nurse, because after they gave me medication to stop the labor he accused me of enjoying the fact that a male nurse examined me! If you have had a pelvic exam... you KNOW its not fun!!!!! He kept accusing me for enjoying it.... I gave up and stopped arguing, let him believe what he wants.

About a week later at 6am.... my water broke. He was out in the living room working on the engine from his car, yes, I said livingroom. He had stayed awake all night doing speed and trying to work it off on the car. He was stoned half out of his mind while I was in labor with our child!!!! He did seem very happy about all of it though... Was it from the drugs? Or was he really happy I was giving birth???

My first night out of the hospital with my new angel was a nightmare!! Being a new mom I was nervous, not knowing what to do and still learning how to nurse her. She was just so small, and so new and I was so unsre what to do.... She was crying a lot. He was yelling at me to "shut her up!" I was scared and frustrated.. which made her cry even harder!

He was absolutly no help with my daughter. The verbal and psychological abuse got worse....He would tell me that no one would love me, no one would want me because I am used merchandise, I have had another man's child. I was worthless, I was a horrible mother!! That was only part if what he had said to me.

Soon after she was born I went to get her on Medi-cal, to pay for medical bills and such. I was not allowed to go anywhere alone at this point in time. I asked his grandmother to go with me, we sat there for over 6 hours trying to get the paperwork straight. I returned home to find all my things and my baby's things in a pile on the floor, with a note attached stating for me and the baby to leave immediatly! He walks in the door 5 minutes after I got home asking why I was still there.... I asked why I was no longer welcome. He looked at me and stated, "it does not take 6 hours to get the child on Medi-cal!!!!" He then started accusing me of cheating on him. I tried to remind him that his grandmother was with me. She even tried to tell him this... But there was no talking to him. There was no reasoning with him. We fought and we fought.

This situation continued for about 4 months, until he talked to my parents and asked them to get me out of his house, the house owned by his grandmother. I was so angry! I could not believe he actually had the nerve to go to my parents! He had stopped hitting me as often as before so that was a good thing. The problem was the fact that he had done some major damage to my head. He had made me believe so many things that were really not true, had made me believe I was nothing. Made me believe I was not worthy of much in life at all. Which was wrong..... Took me a while figure it out.

We ended up fighting for custody of our daughter when he found out I was seeing someone. What a crazy time that was. He and his grandmother went to court saying I was UNFIT! I have her now and am married to a wonderful man whom gave me a beautiful son! While my ex spends his time in and out of jail for one thing or another. Life is crazy and you need to move on. It wasn't easy. My first year with my husband was rocky. I had to get use to being with a nice guy after being in a bad situation. Talking with my husband and my good friends has helped me heal. It takes time and love.